Everything You Always Wanted to Know about Sex (Woody Allen) -1972

This movie is a series of seven sketches very loosely based on the best-selling book by Dr. David Reuben.  Four of the stories are movie parodies starring Woody Allen; one is a television game show parody; the other two are shown in standard form with Gene Wilder and Lou Jacobi starring.  All were directed by Woody.

1. (King and his court - period piece) Woody is the fool/jester who does a Bob Hope stand-up routine that bombs with the king.  The fool has the hots for the queen (Lynn Redgrave) bet gets nowhere until he serves her a steaming orange juice (aphrodisiac) recommended by the sorcerer.  The fool slips by the queen's guards and addresses the audience ("Do you like the way I fooled those guys?).  All is going well for the fool until he discovers that the queen wears a chastity belt ("heavy underwear").  The fool is able to break into the belt but makes so much noise that he wakes up the king.  At one point Woody says: "If we don't hurry up, the Renaissance will be here and we'll all be painting."

2. (doctor's office) Gene Wilder is the doctor whose next patient is an Armenian shepherd who has fallen in love with a sheep named Daisy.  Gene also becomes enamored with Daisy and is eventually caught in flagrante delicto by his wife.  Gene loses everything and is last seen in an alley drinking Woolite.

3. (Italian movie with subtitles) Fabrizio (Woody) and Gina (Louise Lasser) get married but the consummation does not go well.  It seems that Gina falls asleep during foreplay.  Fabrizio tries a vibrator but it explodes like a Roman candle.  It appears that the marriage could fail until Gina gets amorous in a department store and both then discover that she can only be aroused in public places.

4. (dinner party) Lou Jacobi likes to dress in women's clothing.  At a dinner party, he sneaks upstairs to dress in the clothes of the hostess.  He almost gets caught but jumps out the window.  He is attacked by a purse snatcher and consoled by several women of the neighborhood who call the police.  He tells the police that his name is Jasmine Glint but his wife recognizes him and blows his cover.

5. (television game show) The show starts with a commercial parody for Lancer hair cream.  Jack Barry (1918-1984) is the game show host in the John Daly (1914-1991) role.  The show ("What's My Perversion) is a parody of What's My Line? with Robert Q. Lewis (1920-1991), Pamela Mason (1916-1996), Regis Philbin and Toni Holt as panelists.  The first contestant is "Bernard Jaffee" who likes to expose himself on subways.  The last contestant is the contest winner, Rabbi Chaim Baumel who likes to be tied and whipped by girls while his wife eats pork.

6. (horror movie) Woody and reporter Heather MacRae visit mad scientist John Carradine and his assistant Igor.  Carradine was expelled from Masters & Johnson because of his unusual experiments such as proving that a man can be rendered impotent by hiding his hat.  He shows Woody and Heather some of his current experiments: transplanting the brain of a Lesbian into a man who works for the telephone company; a silicone transfusion; etc.  Igor ties up Woody and John grabs Heather planning to use her in an experiment with 20 boy scouts.  However, Woody gets loose and saves the girl but causes the house to explode as they escape ("Now we owe them a dinner.").  As a result of the explosion, the silicone experiment goes awry creating a giant breast that terrorizes the neighborhood.  Woody tricks the giant breast into a size 4000X brassiere but the sheriff warns for them to be cautious because these monsters "usually travel in pairs."

7. (war movie) Tony Randall (1920-2004) and Burt Reynolds are in mission control for Sidney, a man who has a date with Erin Fleming (1941-2003) who was the last girl friend of Grouch Marx (1890-1977).  Sidney has a date with Erin.  Tony and Burt think that Sidney might get lucky when they learn that she is graduate of NYU.  Woody Allen is one of the sperm paratroopers getting ready for the important mission.  As the sperm are parachuting out of the vessel, Woody is playing a harmonica.  A last-minute saboteur (conscience) is captured and the mission is accomplished.  The entire crew relaxes until they hear Erin say: "Let's do it one more time."

[JAM 10/15/2009]

["I remember when I was making Everything You Always Wanted to Know about Sex, I interviewed Lon Chaney Jr. (1906-1973).  I thought, My God, it's the Wolfman!  I mean, I'm sitting here in a chair and it's Lon Chaney Jr.  So I never outgrew, apparently, certain childhood emotions about those people." Conversation with Woody Allen - May 2005]

["I have one significant regret on that picture.  From the beginning, the opening sequence of the picture was meant to be the sperm sequence and the closing sequence of the picture was the giant breast.  When I showed the picture ... nothing could top the sperm sequence.  ... I, contrary to my instincts, switched and opened with the court jester and put the sperm sequence at the end, but that picture was not to be seen that way.  It was meant to open with the sperm and close with the breast sequence.  And I've regretted that cowardly mistake ever since." Conversations with Woody Allen - November 2005]