Treks Not Taken (Steven Boyett) - HarperPerenniel - 191 pages

Author Boyett is a disc jockey and novelist.  He also wrote the screenplay for Toy Story 2.  This book is a parody collection of 20 unused stories for Star Trek: The Next Generation television show as written by 20 different authors.

The Crusher in the Rye
The first story (not written by J.D. Salinger) is a view of the Enterprise and its crew through the eyes and words of Wesden (Wesley Crusher) young prodigy and son of Dr. Beverly Crusher.  To Wesden, the captain is a "bald old short guy with a frog name" and Wharf (Worf) is a "moron jock."  His biggest disappoint is that Goynan (Guinan - Whoopi Goldberg - Caryn Johnson) would not serve him liquor like she does for the "zooeybirds they got on Caulfield Seven."

A Clockwork Data
This six-page story (not written by Anthony Burgess, 1917-1993) is completely written in droogie and is therefore undecipherable.

One Beamed onto the Cuckoo's Nest
O'Brienden (O'Brien - Colm Meaney) narrates this story (not written by Ken Kesey, 1935-2001) that takes place in the sickbay ruled by Nurse "Big Bev" Crusher (Gates McFadden).  McPicard (Picard - Patrick Stewart) in the Jack Nicholson role challenges the authority of Big Bev and takes the dysfunctional sickbay patients on an away team mission for some fishing and gambling.  McPicard remarks that "Sometimes a great notion requires great planning."  Big Bev punishes McPicard's insubordination by withholding his Earl Grey tea.

Jurassic Trek
The starship Enterprise encounters a "mysterious quasi-electromagnetic nonspectrum (Rumulan) beam of neologistic origin"   The beam causes the ship to tranform itself back into thousands of kitchen appliances and Jetta (Data, Brent Spiner) turns into Pinocchio.  Consoler Trite (Troy, Marina Sirtis) - "a curvaceous yet bright Betazed woman", and Dr. Beverly Number Cruncher (Crusher, Gates McFadden) - "a shapely auburn-haired beauty" would have devolved into "spaceport baggage handlers" if Captain Hewlett-Picard (Picard, Patrick Stewart) had not transported the non-android crew members to a computer-generated planet.  Not written by Michael Crichton (1942-2008), this story is amply-supported by charts, graphs and detailed, technical specifications.  Kurt Vonnegut's fictitious Kilgore Trout is cited as a reference.

The Ship Also Rises 
Trapped by three Rumulan warbirds, Captain Picador (Picard, Patrick Stewart) challenges the "mah-choh" Rumulan leader to a mano to toro contest.  Picardo wins and collects two ears and a tail.  The non-writer (Ernest Hemingway, 1899-1961) describes Counselor D'yanna Tryst (Troy, Marina Sirtis) as "an extremely ample and decorative woman."

Less Than Data
I am not familiar with the work of Bret Easton Ellis but he did not write this story.  Narrated by the android Data, the story follows Data's stream of consciousness and continuing need for electric current.  Data comments about other members of the crew but nothing interesting is happening.

Q Clearance
Captain Petard's watch has stopped.  The crew including First Off Striker, Lieutenant Commander Doodad, Lieutenant Smurf, Counselor Meander Droid, Valley La Forge examine the problem in Tom-Clancy technical detail in this story never flowing from the ink pen of Tom Clancy.  Leave it to Q to find the rewind stem.

There was only one catch and it was called "Trek-22" (not written by Joseph Heller, 1923-1999).  You could be released from your Starfleet contract for poor performance but there was a catch.  To be released you had to convince Starfleet that your performance was poor.  However, it took an excellent performance to convince Starfleet.  Excellent performers could not be released from contracts.  That's some catch you got there.

All the Pretty Humans
One of the shuttlecraft has strayed from the spaceship and cowboy Dido (Data, Brent Spiner) has been selected to round it up and bring it back, podner.  In this story not written by Cormac McCarthy,  the Merengi are suspected to be the shuttle-wrestlers but they refused to show their steenking papers.  So Dido beamed aboard the Merengi ship and herded the wayward shuttlecraft back to the Starfleet corral.

Lady Fed
Starfleet women Demanda Trois (Marina Sirtis) and Dr. Beverly Hills-Crusher (Gates McFadden) knew what they wanted and knew how to get it.  Jackie Collins did not write the story but she would approve of these strong, independent, self-made women.  With the help of her mother, Demanda takes control of the Enterprise from Captain Chef-Cook Splichard (Patrick Stewart) and set a course for Betacam.  Beverly married a rich man and retired to Malib-U.

A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Fan
I am not familiar with the works of non-writer James Joyce (1882-1941) but it seems to be a lot of gibberish and not much action when applied to the Enterprise crew: Captain Picarus, Mr. Datalus, Wharf ("Moorish dark and convolute of brow"), Flordie O'George and Counselor Toil.  Hard to read.

The Vampire Le Forge
Le Forge (Geordi La Forge, LeVar Burton) confesses that he is a vampire who lives on energy instead of blood.  He thinks he alone with this affliction but discovers another on the Enterprise.  The android Beta (Data, Brent Spiner) is the same.  Between them, they initiate most of the energy problems aboard ship, but they are also heroes since the miraculously resolve the problems that they caused.  There is no way that Anne Rice wrote this story.

Even Captains Get the Blues
Always not writing a story for this book was Tom Robbins.  Female officers Beaver Le Crusher (Beverly) and Menaja Trois (Deanna) petitioned Captain Lon-Jacques Tankard (the Frog) to allow the ambassador from P'an to board the Enterprise. 

Moby Trek  
Thar she blows, Matey.  It's the great white wormhole and Captain Jean-Luc Piquod is determined to gain revenge against the subspace anomaly that snatched him bald.  Fortunately for the reader, this writer was not Herman Melville (1819-1891).  The story omits 53,000 words of unnecessary descriptive details.  Call me Email.

The Trekking
Non-captain Will Wriker (Riker, Jonathan Frakes) is all alone on the Enterprise and the scary women in the forbidden holodeck 217 are waiting for him in this non-Stephen King story.  Boo!

Fandom Shrugged
Deagna Troi, Willful Rakehell, Beta and Whiff are playing holodeck monopoly while arguing the merits of capitalism.  Sometimes they collude.  Sometimes they cheat.  However, Captain Jean-Gault has the last word.  Take that non-writer, Ayn Rand (1905-1982).

Holodeck-5, or, God Bless You, Mr. Roddenberry
The Enterprise is trapped in a "chrono-simplistic infidelitum" (aka space-time continuum cosmic storm) created by the Rastafadorians who have beamed Lieutenant Commander Ditto aboard their spaceship, the Dreadlock.  These followers of Marley are puzzled by the tribal culture of these nonsensical beings.  Ditto outwits the Marleyites and is returned safely to the Enterprise.  As Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. (1922-2007) would have said if he had written this story: "So it goes."

Trek of Darkness
All is dark and black in this tale related by someone other than Joseph Conrad (1857-1924) who died 35 years before Steven Boyett was born and 63 years before Star Trek TNG was first aired.  The boring captain is telling in dreary detail the story of his meeting with the great Kirk who warned him about the future of his career.  Alas, it is a warning that fell on deaf ears near that bald pate.

On the Bridge
On the Zenterprise there is jazz music in Zen-Forward and the android Dayta is in love with a toaster.  Dayta plugs into the bridge computer and takes the Zenterprise on a wild trip toward syndication.  Non-writer Jack Kerouac (1922-1969) would dig it!

Oh, the Treks You'll Take
Replete with excellent drawings by Ken Mitchroney, our author who is not now and has not ever been Dr. Seuss (Theodor Geisel, 1904-1991) saved the best for last.  A suspendered Zlagoon was beamed up to the Enterprise and caused a great deal of havoc because of his insatiable appetite.  However, the quick-thinking of computer whizzes Jordy and Barkley almost saved the day.  The end.