Sports Illiterate (Henry R. Lucre) - Yale Record - February 31, 1959 [sic] - 64 pages

Time Inc. established Sports Illustrated in 1954 to be the ultimate sports magazine.  Two other magazines had used the name prior to 1954.  It took the jokesters at Yale less than five years to roll out an ambitious 64-page parody of the Time product.  Impressively, the Yale gang completed the task without an abundance of unfunny fillers other than the usual real advertisements enticing the privileged Yale students to party in Bermuda and the Bahamas.  The cover and inside story (page 31) offer some "advanced techniques of nose-grindstoning", a little-known sport outside of academia.  Expert "Mohamet Obdopopolous" skillfully explains the proper pitoning in four paragraphs.  Other sporty articles cover women's field hockey, the West Hartford Sparrows basketball team coached by "Si Kopath", new islands, invisible bison, women in football, recipe for "elephant pate de folie grosse", etc.  The best article is "Adventuress on the Reef" by "Clare Booth Lucre" about fashionable scuba diving.  According to Ms. Lucre: "How hard, how very hard, it is to describe the underwater world to anyone who has never been there!  So hard, in fact, that I have been trying to avoid it by describing other things such as the interior of Eve's.  However, I am being paid by the word and there really isn't that much to say about the world beneath the Salt Curtain.  The Iron Curtain is, after all, a mere political figure of speech.  But the Salt Curtain of the water's surface is really there, in four colors, $2.98 per yard ... the most expensive metaphor in the history of the magazine industry."  Apparently, there were several options for the title of this parody as footnotes refer to it as "Sports Corrugated", Sports Crenellated", "Sports Obliterated", "Sports Delapidated", "Sports Emaciated", "Sports Aberrated", "Sports Masticated", "Sports Ill-Fated", "Sports Mutilated", "Sports in Pictures", "Sports Emasculated", "Sports Antiquated", "Sports Lacerated", "Sports Complicated", "Sports Flagellated", "Spores Illustrated", and "Spawts Illustrated".  [JAM 10/13/2015]

Front Cover - Nose-grindstoning
2  List of staff members
3  Discontents (not the real contents)
4  Memo from the publican by Hairy Phillips
5  Jimmy Germeal's Rot Box
10 Smorgesboard
12 Crumbly Events
14 Midwinter's Night Mare
16 Pro Basketball: Roundball Bounces Back by Jeremiah Lax
18 New Islands for Sale
20 Nature: A hard-to-see animal by Jimmie Wunder
22 Nice World of Sport: Passez La Femme
24 Food: Henry Lucre prepares an elephant pate by Henry Lucre
26 Events & Miscoverage (drawing by Bob)
27 They Said It Couldn't (cartoon by Robt. Day)
28 Auntie's Panties by Ralph Smig
29 Sport in Arthropodae: Awfully darn pretty by Hieronymus Snnokums
30 Man of Tomorrow: Breck '72 by D. Watson (ad parody for Yale Co-op with "L'il Henry" as model)
31 The Fabulous Sport of Nose Grindstoning by Mohamet Obdopopolous
32 Debacle: John Growth's Corriga
35 Sylvan Sounds by Guy Renfield-Witherington
36 The Heathen Below: Adventuress on the Reef by Clare Boothe Lucre
40 Fib from the Flop by Stymie Niblick (drawing by Un. Ravelling)
42 Are Men Maleficient by J.P. Mugwump
45 Card: The Psychic Bid by Charles Gorgon
48 Neuralgia: Bicycle Built for Five by Klaus Schwinn
53 Sportif Chic: Black's Back by Zug Mid
56 Feather Frighting: Hindemith Plays the Air by Freddy Flutter
60 19th Swing (letters)
64 Stab in the Back: "We are pop flies in the drag race of life" by Benevolio Merrittricci
First Back Cover - "Thanks" from Sports Illustrated
Second Back Cover - Salem cigarettes (real ad)